I spend days with him and months thinking about him…

There was a time when I wasn’t quite sure how to handle the pain of missing him.  I longed for his companionship and to be able to see his smile.  When he first moved, missing him was like a piercing pain that I faced the very moment I woke up each morning.  It seems like I get days to spend with him and months to spend thinking about him.

Ayo visited this past weekend.  The night before he left, I cried in his arms.  This is common for me and no matter how much I fight it, it always ends up happening at some point.  No amount of preparation can keep me from crying like a baby because I have to face reality once again.  The pain doesn’t necessarily go away, but I’ve learned ways to manage it.  I don’t have time to be caught up in sadness.  I have a little boy to be strong for.  It has been three days since Ayo’s visit.  Blaine, when he gets still in the house, he has cried the past two days.  He says, “I just want Ayo”.  I have to be here and present for Blaine.  He is what motivates me and keeps me going.  He is more of a pillar for me than he understands.

I remember the first time that Ayo left.  Blaine did not understand that he wouldn’t be back for a while.  He kinda just thought that Ayo was leaving like normal and would be back to see us tomorrow.  I, on the other hand, knew exactly what was happening.  He hugged and kissed me over and over and over.  He tried to console me as much as possible.  He left my apartment, got in his car, backed out of the parking, and proceeded to leave.  Blaine was already sound asleep by this time.  I looked outside of the blinds of my window and watched as he left.  I sat on the floor in my living room and cried softly until I literally couldn’t anymore.

I think there is a lot of pain in the world.  There are a lot of hurting people.  It may be pain of the past, missing a loved one, or circumstances that are beyond our control.  Whatever the case may be, I think everyone has felt pain and can relate.

Tove Lo released a new song not too long ago.  I wasn’t really fond of the first few lines.  (Attn: I have never in my life been on drugs or even attempted them in any way, shape, form, or fashion.  With that being said, I’ll continue.)  The bridge of the song says
“Staying in my play pretend
Where the fun ain’t got no end
Can’t go home alone again
Need someone to numb the pain”.

I have been the type of person in the past that has tried to just numb my pain.  When I went through any tough situation, I would ignore it and try to just go about my days as if I didn’t feel it.  I might have been physically here, but emotionally, I was checked out.  I found a quote by D.W. Kutcher that describes this perfectly, “The feelings are muted, but the thoughts remain.”.  It doesn’t matter how numb I wanted to feel, the reality of things were always still there.  It didn’t matter how much I wanted to forget about missing him, ignoring it only made things worse eventually.

So, what do we do about the pain?  How do we deal with hurt.  One thing I have learned for sure is that it HAS to be dealt with.  You can’t cover pain up and hope that it just goes away.  When a problem arises, we have to do our best to handle the root of the issue, face reality, and live.  I don’t have all the answers, but I know for sure that becoming numb is not the answer.  I’m preaching to myself here.  I’m still learning to cope, but things are so much better.  He may not be here everyday, but he is present in my life.  One day he will be with us.  For now, I will keep doing month long countdowns until the next time I get to see him.  I rely on God for my strength today and trust Him for my future.

wink

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