From burden to privilege…

Sometimes I imagine walking into my living room, turning on Netflix, and snuggling in his arms!  Or just waking up in the morning and leaving sweet dry erase messages for him on the mirror.  Or completing his work day with dinner and tasty dessert.  Or giving him a back massage to relieve some of that lower back pain that he feels at times.

I simply just want to see him smile.
But, I have to wait…

forever

Waiting is not something that comes easily for me.  When my mind isn’t consumed or occupied, I get anxious.  Among other things, I am anxiously waiting for Ayo to come back home.  I am a full time mom, employee, and student.  I have enough things to keep my mind occupied and away from being idle.  Unfortunately, my mind has a way of thinking too much.

Sometimes none of this feels real.  It’s like something clicks in my head and I am reminded that I’m waiting.  I think, for the most part, I just keep myself busy so that I don’t have to think about the long wait.  When I get still, that’s when I realize that he isn’t here.  There isn’t actually a set date or time to look forward to him being back for good.  Countdowns!  I could probably do an entire post about countdowns.  It is insane how a simply little countdown motivates me the way it does.  We have not set a date for our next visit in either direction.  I can honestly say, I feel a little lost without my countdown.  Countdowns can be a fun positive way to anticipate the day I get to see him again.

waiting

In a conversation about my ldr, a friend asked me, “Do you ever feel like you’re missing out on something else while you’re waiting?”.  At the time, I told her that I would have to think about her question and I would get back to her on it.  My answer: “Yes!”.  If I’m being honest, I feel like I’m missing out on a normal relationship.  I miss out on dates, face to face interaction, holding hands, taking each other out for lunch, and the simplicity of just being in each others presence.  But our relationship isn’t normal, it never has been.  Our love story is unique.  Yes, I may want a companion at times, someone who can physically be here in the flesh.  Reality is, nobody else would ever suffice.  He is the only Ayo in the world for me.  This is the only relationship I want.  Anything else would be annoyingly boring.  I will wait however long I have to just to be with him.  I think that commitment to one another says more about our relationship than the words “I love you”.  I hope my willingness to wait for him shouts “I LOVE YOU” to him loud and clear!!  Some may say that waiting for him is absolutely ridiculous.  As Marilyn Monroe said, “It’s better to be absolutely ridiculous than absolutely boring!”.  I may not get to see him everyday, but the anticipating wait makes it even more special when I do finally see his face.

patience

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